JayarJackson

1.                  Forget the “Middle Child” complex.  The oldest and youngest children of families have reason to worry that they were the “accident.”

I’m the youngest of a family of 5 children.  While growing up, there were no typical characteristics that haunted the middle child of the family, so I don’t know how that is such a prominent character of family life.  What does this middle child have to be so weird about?  They have no worry in the world…they can be sure that they were not the possible accident child of the family!  The two children that get the most secure characteristics as the “oldest” and the “youngest” actually have the most to question as they get older and see the world differently. 

The oldest child can wonder, “Was I conceived in the back seat of a 1975 Cutlass?  Was I the reason Mom and Dad got married…so that he would make a respectable lady out of her?”  Did Grandpa tell him, “You got her pregnant, now you’re going to marry my Little Girl!” 

On the other hand, the youngest can seriously consider that their parents were happy with the number of kids they had, but had one more irresponsible night while on vacation and the other kids were finally old enough to stay in other rooms.  Maybe they can wonder, “Was I a vacation baby?  Did the brochures filled with crystal waters and exquisite views spark a flame that my parents hadn’t felt in a while?  Oh, so THAT’S why Dad told me never to use Lifestyles…those things don’t work when you need them to!” 

You middle children have it easy, there’s the safety and security of older and younger siblings surrounding you like airbags and bumpers on a family minivan. 

 

2.                  When did the cars on "The Price Is Right" stop being the best prize??

Starting at age 5 when driving was such a distant reality, watching the Price Is Right still had you hoping for Rod Roddy to scream “A NEW CAR!!” as the double doors slid open, imagining that you could play the game right and win a car of your own.  As I sit as a grown ass man watching Drew Carey and some sane-looking announcer giving away cash and prizes, I realized that the irrational thought of winning something on The Price Is Right has transitioned from those ugly, base-model cars to vacations and living room sets.  I don’t even hope for the showcase to include TWO cars the way it did about once/year.  What the hell am I going to do with two cars?  “Pass that showcase and hope for the spa, HDTV, full kitchen, and vacation to the Netherlands!”

So as I sit on my used, worn couch that my ex-girlfriend’s punk ass cats scratched holes into, those packages of couches, loveseats, and televisions become much more valuable.  I wish Drew Carey would let me win that; I’m not going to spend all that money on a new living room set…I just bought this expensive car!!  Who needs a green base model Ford Mustang with cloth seats, slower engine, and no rear spoiler, I didn’t pick that out!

 

--JJJ

1.                  Old School Sitcoms seemed to have a mandatory “serious” episode every once in a while.

Being an insomniac gives me the unique opportunity to fade off to sleep in the company of Nick at Nite or TV Land, and wake up in time to experience the shift in programming to Spongebob Squarepants.  Nickelodeon must be the happiest channel on TV…wall to wall comedy for adults to adolescents.  So with my remote secured tightly to my chest nearly every night like the digital teddy bear it is, I’ve seen enough episodes to discover that our “classic” sitcoms seemed to have felt the responsibility of addressing important life lessons in the midst of humorous teenage plans gone awry. 

Right when you expect to see young Arnold and Willis deliver another catch phrase that somehow never got old, be sure to look out for the child molester at the bike shop looking to change the entire meaning of “Whatchu Talkin’ About?”  The Fresh Prince got shot in front of an ATM while trying to protect his cousin Carlton that he seemed to hate in the early episodes.  Steve Urkel got his punch spiked and nearly fell off of a high rise apartment rooftop simply because some bullies wanted to have some fun with alcohol. 

This stuff was taken as serious material when the original scenarios aired back in the day, so what happened to our beloved sitcom characters scaring us straight?  Maybe the writers and producers of these kinds of shows realized how uncomfortable their live studio audiences were.  With expectations for a good belly laugh, they got blindsided by stories of gun violence, inappropriate advances, and underage drinking.  Is this comedy or traumatic preparedness? 

 

2.                  When parents have twins, is it so mandatory for the kids’ names to rhyme that they’ll sometimes sacrifice one of their new children’s dignities?

We all know how it works.  When people have twin boys, they dress them up in identical cheesy blue sailor outfits.  Girls get the pink flowery dress treatment.  We expect them to say the same word in unison at all times while everyone gets a good, hearty, belly laugh in amazement that these two can “read each other’s minds.”  Hey, if Tia and Tamara of the old sitcom “Sister, Sister” can find each other after 14 years of never knowing each other existed, all twins MUST have a special bond. 

In order to put the finishing touches on irrationally making these two humans inseparable, many parents like to make their twins’ names rhyme.  Bill & Phil, Abby & Gabby, and John & Ron.  As if it wasn’t already enough of a hassle for parents to agree on one name for one baby, they have to argue over which rhyming names they will select.  I can always tell the lazy parents that found one good name they liked and simply made up another unheard of name to rhyme with the normal one.  While the new mother exclaims, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to name my son Roderick, after my father” a serious problem is encountered when Rod’s twin brother enters the world just minutes later.  Since mandatory rhyming can’t be violated, with a shrug and a wrinkled forehead, the parents invent Loderick as the natural choice for the poor little chump. 

Once Lod is old enough to realize that his name was simply a creation of convenience to accent his brother’s recognizable and well thought-out name, he should hold a grudge against his unimaginative parents and more popular brother who owns the name people can relate to.  

 

--JJJ