JayarJackson

1.                  Forget the “Middle Child” complex.  The oldest and youngest children of families have reason to worry that they were the “accident.”

I’m the youngest of a family of 5 children.  While growing up, there were no typical characteristics that haunted the middle child of the family, so I don’t know how that is such a prominent character of family life.  What does this middle child have to be so weird about?  They have no worry in the world…they can be sure that they were not the possible accident child of the family!  The two children that get the most secure characteristics as the “oldest” and the “youngest” actually have the most to question as they get older and see the world differently. 

The oldest child can wonder, “Was I conceived in the back seat of a 1975 Cutlass?  Was I the reason Mom and Dad got married…so that he would make a respectable lady out of her?”  Did Grandpa tell him, “You got her pregnant, now you’re going to marry my Little Girl!” 

On the other hand, the youngest can seriously consider that their parents were happy with the number of kids they had, but had one more irresponsible night while on vacation and the other kids were finally old enough to stay in other rooms.  Maybe they can wonder, “Was I a vacation baby?  Did the brochures filled with crystal waters and exquisite views spark a flame that my parents hadn’t felt in a while?  Oh, so THAT’S why Dad told me never to use Lifestyles…those things don’t work when you need them to!” 

You middle children have it easy, there’s the safety and security of older and younger siblings surrounding you like airbags and bumpers on a family minivan. 

 

2.                  When did the cars on "The Price Is Right" stop being the best prize??

Starting at age 5 when driving was such a distant reality, watching the Price Is Right still had you hoping for Rod Roddy to scream “A NEW CAR!!” as the double doors slid open, imagining that you could play the game right and win a car of your own.  As I sit as a grown ass man watching Drew Carey and some sane-looking announcer giving away cash and prizes, I realized that the irrational thought of winning something on The Price Is Right has transitioned from those ugly, base-model cars to vacations and living room sets.  I don’t even hope for the showcase to include TWO cars the way it did about once/year.  What the hell am I going to do with two cars?  “Pass that showcase and hope for the spa, HDTV, full kitchen, and vacation to the Netherlands!”

So as I sit on my used, worn couch that my ex-girlfriend’s punk ass cats scratched holes into, those packages of couches, loveseats, and televisions become much more valuable.  I wish Drew Carey would let me win that; I’m not going to spend all that money on a new living room set…I just bought this expensive car!!  Who needs a green base model Ford Mustang with cloth seats, slower engine, and no rear spoiler, I didn’t pick that out!

 

--JJJ

1.                  How do you know when someone has just parked or is leaving a parking spot?  We need a signal!!

Our cars are equipped with many features; lights, bells, and whistles that let other drivers on the road know what we’re planning to do.  Blinkers to make left or right turns and change lanes, hazard lights to show that something is mechanically wrong and that they aren’t purposefully driving 15 mph, and a quick bright flash of the headlights to tell someone to get the hell out of the way. 

So since parking spots are so scarce in Los Angeles along with the street parking signs that are created to confuse drivers into a ticket, seeing someone leaving a parking spot is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.  Upon seeing someone approaching a car right in front of your apartment building with their key fob out, a burst of excitement fills your veins and you are hopeful that your nearly endless search for the evening is soon over.  So with a frantic U-turn that almost hits other parked cars and someone’s dog, you whip around to set up for the advantageous spot.  All those hopes and dreams are dashed when they give you a wave and a shake of their head saying, “I’m not leaving, just getting something out of the car that I forgot.”  After about 2 minutes of needlessly calling them names that your mother would be ashamed to hear you say, the search always continues. 

Why did I have to go through all that trouble running over my neighbor’s dog if that idiot wasn’t leaving?  And now that I’m on the other side of the street, another spot on the other side is opening up and I’m getting swooped on!  Damn!! 

All this frustration would be nullified if there were only a signal, a very strong spotlight, let’s say, that radiates from the roof of a car whose driver is approaching it with intentions of leaving.  When he unlocks those doors with plans of leaving, it’s like the grand opening of a club…you can see the spotlights from miles away, just navigate to the origin. 

2.                  Peacock’s colorful feathers are like a guy showing off his new BMW, they might help get you the girl, but the flashiness will get you in trouble!

The unmistakable characteristic of a peacock’s multicolored tail and feathers is apparently there to draw the attention of the choicest female birds for mating purposes.  Upon having this random and pointless conversation with a friend, I realized that the similarities between the animal world and human world are not as distant as I assume.  Sure, this bright and impressive tail gets the attention of the highly sought after gold digging female peahens that want to be seen with the high roller, but his gift is a curse as it also draws the attention of predators looking to have a poultry dinner. 

Similarly in the human world, every time Mr. Big Shot races his engine and shows off all the expensive TVs and electronics he has stashed in his new car on Sunset Blvd, it’s supposed to attract the attention of women, but needlessly catches the eye of criminals with intentions of taking that car, along with it’s expensive equipment off of Mr. Big Shot’s hands.  I guess you have to take the good with the bad. 

--JJJ

1.                  Young Black women think that driving is a race.

Everyone has heard of the stereotypes that come with certain races and genders regarding their driving skills.  The most common victims of our profiling are probably Asian women; they change lanes without looking, thinking they’re in the only car on the road.  Older Latinos tend to drive 55 mph in the fast lane on an open freeway.  Middle aged White women seem to have too many things to do other than press the accelerator when a stop light turns green.  Don’t worry; my beautiful Nubian sisters are high on the list of bad drivers as well.  As a matter of fact, their unmistakable characteristic of driving 65 mph in a 35 mph zone is runs rampant everyday. 

When you see a midsized, 4-door sedan swerving from the far left lane to the far right lane, simply to go around 2 people driving 10 mph over the speed limit, hold on tight to your steering wheel, don’t get macho and accelerate because you have 235 horsepower under the hood, just get the hell out of the way!  And when she hits you with the icy stare that says, “now I know you’re not flooring it,” just keep looking forward, this is one road fight you don’t want anything to do with.  Yes, that Nissan Altima, Chevy Malibu, Honda Accord, or Toyota Camry is being driven by a young Black woman with the heart of Jeff Gordon.  Give her that inside lane so she’ll stop drifting off of you. 

My experiences with three older sisters prove this point.  Yes, all of them are being exposed!  The oldest exceeds the freeway’s 65 mph speed limit on a U-turn onramp daily.  While riding with the 2nd oldest, she tailgated a poor older gentleman for ½ mile while yelling, “Why don’t you drive!”  When I noticed that the man with more life experience was already exceeding the 45 mph speed limit by 10, I had to tell her, “He’s already speeding!”  To that, she yelped, “oh,” snapped out of her uncontrollable NASCARness, and laid off the gas.  Last but not least, the youngest of my older sisters was pulled over for driving 110 mph while half of my family was in the car with her on a road trip to Arizona.  After the officer took her out of the car and explained to her that exceeding triple digits on the speedometer warrants an automatic arrest, she was allowed back into the driver’s seat with a simple ticket instead.  If it were me, I would have been in handcuffs with my mother asking, “Why are you taking my baby away?”  I was left assuming she simply told him, “C’mon, you know what’s up, I’m a 28 year old Black woman, I can’t help it!”

 

2.                  With so many retired numbers growing every year in pro sports, future players will soon have to wear numbers with 3 digits.

It even happens to players that are definite Hall of Famers of their sport, destined to be enshrined with their team’s jersey and number hanging in the rafters where they made history.  Once a number is retired for a sports team to honor the accomplishments of one player, no one else can ever wear the number again so that they won’t accidentally taint the illustrious memories it evokes.  No one can imagine another player for the Chicago Bulls wearing #23 now that Michael Jordan immortalized it.  Future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal even had to change his original #32 to #34 when he joined the Los Angeles Lakers after Magic Johnson made so many memories donning the Lakers #32 jersey. 

So with so many numbers having to be avoided by young athletes making historic plays and careers in their different uniforms, I have to wonder when the numbers will run out.  Maybe when a few thousand years have passed, and numbers 00-99 are all used up, it will be normal to see Michael Jordan XL (40th) dunking while wearing #123. 


--JJJ

1.                  Don’t try to always call a good friend for entertainment value to pass otherwise boring time, they’ll eventually catch on, and might get offended.

As everyone in the country knows, LA traffic sucks.  “What the hell is that old lady thinking?”  “When are you gonna GO??”  “Damn, there’s an entire car length between that guy and the car in front of him, the gas pedal is on the right, fool!”  In order to avoid these uncontrollable outbursts of anger, I’ve discovered that many disgruntled LA drivers that are sick of listening to the same 5 songs on the radio have chosen to call and talk randomly with friends in order to pass the 2 hours it takes them to travel the 25 miles home in rush hour.  There is a reason that LA passed the law that restricts us from yapping on the phone without a hands free earpiece. 

Sure, we may come off as if we’re so important and handling so much business that we have to constantly talk while driving, but in reality, 9 times out of 10, that important looking person sitting on Interstate 405 in his Mercedes is talking to his best friend about the last episode of “24” or how much he hates his idiot bosses at work.  If you’re this “important person” that gets the bright idea to use your friend as absorption for your babble, make sure you try to mask it or else your calls will begin to get ignored. 

I soon found out that I was the court jester that kept a few friends entertained at one point in my life.  If they’d only attempted to hide their intentions a little better, I might have not started giving them the silent treatment. 

If the same person calls you every weekday at the same time of 5:15pm, and every conversation begins with the sound of a car’s seatbelt alarm beeping, you may want to reanalyze their affection.  When the conversation seems increasingly pointless and belabored, with uncalled for interruptions from your friend inexplicably yelling “get off my ass!” when they’re not talking to you, then they’re probably venting at the Range Rover driver that thinks tailgating will move traffic.  Once 2 hours has passed and their interest in your day immediately turns to “Ok, I’ll talk to you later,” you should understand that they’re happily home and the reason your ear is hot from a cell phone being smashed against it is that you’ve just been played.  Put on your clown hat and prepare new material for tomorrow’s drive home. 

 

2.                  The worst thing you can say about another person’s car is that “it gets you from point A to point B.” 

It seems that everyone wants to drive an impressive looking car, especially us men.  We know that it can draw attention and make us look better.  Maybe we can rev the engine, blast the stereo, and speed around a few turns just to get women to look.  Every time reliability enters the conversation, the seemingly complimentary gesture sounds more like an insult telling us how ugly it is. 

Ladies, if a guy is telling you all about his car and how it has multiple features, and has power-controlled this and that, don’t try to add to the attempted bragfest with the overused, “Well, as long at it gets you from Point A to Point B, that’s great!” 

Telling an overly car-conscious guy that his new ride simply gets him from point A to point B is like telling a woman that as long as her new dress covers her butt and her chest, it doesn’t really matter that that hotter girl with the better body is wearing the same one.


--JJJ