JayarJackson

1.                  Forget the “Middle Child” complex.  The oldest and youngest children of families have reason to worry that they were the “accident.”

I’m the youngest of a family of 5 children.  While growing up, there were no typical characteristics that haunted the middle child of the family, so I don’t know how that is such a prominent character of family life.  What does this middle child have to be so weird about?  They have no worry in the world…they can be sure that they were not the possible accident child of the family!  The two children that get the most secure characteristics as the “oldest” and the “youngest” actually have the most to question as they get older and see the world differently. 

The oldest child can wonder, “Was I conceived in the back seat of a 1975 Cutlass?  Was I the reason Mom and Dad got married…so that he would make a respectable lady out of her?”  Did Grandpa tell him, “You got her pregnant, now you’re going to marry my Little Girl!” 

On the other hand, the youngest can seriously consider that their parents were happy with the number of kids they had, but had one more irresponsible night while on vacation and the other kids were finally old enough to stay in other rooms.  Maybe they can wonder, “Was I a vacation baby?  Did the brochures filled with crystal waters and exquisite views spark a flame that my parents hadn’t felt in a while?  Oh, so THAT’S why Dad told me never to use Lifestyles…those things don’t work when you need them to!” 

You middle children have it easy, there’s the safety and security of older and younger siblings surrounding you like airbags and bumpers on a family minivan. 

 

2.                  When did the cars on "The Price Is Right" stop being the best prize??

Starting at age 5 when driving was such a distant reality, watching the Price Is Right still had you hoping for Rod Roddy to scream “A NEW CAR!!” as the double doors slid open, imagining that you could play the game right and win a car of your own.  As I sit as a grown ass man watching Drew Carey and some sane-looking announcer giving away cash and prizes, I realized that the irrational thought of winning something on The Price Is Right has transitioned from those ugly, base-model cars to vacations and living room sets.  I don’t even hope for the showcase to include TWO cars the way it did about once/year.  What the hell am I going to do with two cars?  “Pass that showcase and hope for the spa, HDTV, full kitchen, and vacation to the Netherlands!”

So as I sit on my used, worn couch that my ex-girlfriend’s punk ass cats scratched holes into, those packages of couches, loveseats, and televisions become much more valuable.  I wish Drew Carey would let me win that; I’m not going to spend all that money on a new living room set…I just bought this expensive car!!  Who needs a green base model Ford Mustang with cloth seats, slower engine, and no rear spoiler, I didn’t pick that out!

 

--JJJ

1.                  Cell phone use is highly contagious.

While hanging out with a few friends over drinks and some dinner, one got a random text message on his phone.  As the seemingly rude response of him taking part in a possibly endless texting conversation ensued, I inexplicably felt the uncontrollable urge to pick up my phone that hadn’t given me a signal of a call or text.  I consciously fought the impulse for several minutes while ignoring the human contact of our other friend right in front of me, but eventually dove into reading old text messages and missed calls as if I wasn’t already aware of them. 

With two assholes sitting in silence and typing away on miniature computers in his face, our 3rd friend must have felt left out and alone, as he scooped up his Blackberry and randomly scrolled through communications he had also previously viewed.  In a matter of 5 minutes, the raucous conversation of the Lakers game and memories from the past disappeared and transitioned to the sound of baby clicks on our keyboards.  There we sat, 3 slaves to our phones and old text messages. 

Why do we need it??  Why does everyone seem to understand the necessity of being plugged in?  Even when someone steps a few feet away from the pull of their cell phone, everyone left feels responsible for notifying the newly released prisoner of his incoming call or text.  If there are 4 phones sitting on one table and one vibrates, someone will immediately yell, “HEY, YOUR PHONE!!!  YOU HAVE A TEXT…OR SOMETHING!”

Don’t judge, simply test it.  The next time you’re with a friend or two, pick up your cell phone and scroll away with incredible intent…I guarantee SOMEONE will feel the need to check in on their text messaging life that hasn’t progressed in the 10 minutes since they last took a hit from the technology crack pipe. 

 

2.                  Why do habitually late people set their clocks 5-10 minutes fast?

The next time you’re at a friend or family member’s house that is always late to everything, check the time on your own watch or cell phone before you take off to another timely meeting.  These people that are late to everything have been convinced that if they set their clocks 10 minutes ahead, that they will be tricked into leaving their house on time while thinking they are just lagging as usual. 

This flawed theory does not work.  The reason sluggish people don’t make dinner reservations, work appointments, or movie showings on time is because their brain tells them that a meeting at 6pm means leave at 6pm and there’s nothing anyone can tell them that will get them to do any differently.  If they knowingly set their clocks 10 minutes early, their irresponsible mind will only say, “you can leave at 6:10… remember, those clocks are 10 minutes fast.” 

Have you ever known a routinely late person that suddenly arrives on time to everything after discovering this new scheme of setting his/her clocks fast?  Hell no, they’re still always late to everything; so stop making people like me 20 minutes early when I trust your fraudulent timepiece. 

 

--JJJ

1.                  Chicken wings and bbq ribs are some of the most popular foods that so many people eat.  It just doesn’t make sense.

I can’t order a greasy, fat-filled pizza from Pizza Hut or Dominoes without the pizza faced kid on the other end of the phone asking me if I want hot wings with my meal.  I grew up attending family bbqs (you know the ones with the drunk uncle that is either in love with everyone or mad at everyone) that absolutely had to have some ribs on the grill.  I don’t know if this crosses other cultures, but we Americans are in love with the uselessness of eating chicken wings and ribs.  The epitome of both of these delicacies is based in a lack of meat, but we’ll never realize it. 

If you think about it, every wing you’ve ever seen on a bird is simply skin and bones.  If it weren’t, how could these fowl ever catch enough air to get off of the ground and fly for miles?  Any significant amount of sustenance would weigh the bird down and make their advantage of flight a non-issue. 

If you allow yourself to think a little further, you’ll realize that every time someone criticizes the modeling industry that advocates having extremely skinny women to sell clothes, the amount of ribs we can see on their bodies is an indication that there isn’t much meat on the poor girl’s frame.  The saying is “Get her a cheeseburger,” not a rack of ribs.

I decided a long time ago while sucking on chicken’s bony wings and gnawing on a cow’s ribs that someone must be playing a joke on me.  Some old school farmer from way back in the day was trying to find a way to dump off the useless parts of animals that no one saw a reason to eat, so he found a way to lather scrawny wings and ribs in tasty sauces for the next several generations of suckers to eat…genius!

 

2.                  You know a hotel/motel is not worth staying at if the sign boasts, “Color TV!!”

We live in a country full of travelers; we love to be tourists in a new city and experience new things.  While out of town, a good, comfortable place to stay that hasn’t been exposed by Dateline NBC’s blacklight investigations is absolutely a must.  With so much competition, hotel owners have been trying to attract tourists’ money for decades by advertising their amenities that other establishments may not have. 

In the case of the “hard to find” color televisions in America, one hotel I recently passed while on my way to work…(yes, in 2009) bragged of their COLOR TVs in every unit!!!  If this obsolete luxury of seeing a rainbow of colors rather than black, white, and grays was being offered to me, I guess the lucky residents also enjoy the RUNNING WATER, ELECTRICITY, and TELEPHONES!  Sometimes less advertising is best. 

 

--JJJ

1.                  Old School Sitcoms seemed to have a mandatory “serious” episode every once in a while.

Being an insomniac gives me the unique opportunity to fade off to sleep in the company of Nick at Nite or TV Land, and wake up in time to experience the shift in programming to Spongebob Squarepants.  Nickelodeon must be the happiest channel on TV…wall to wall comedy for adults to adolescents.  So with my remote secured tightly to my chest nearly every night like the digital teddy bear it is, I’ve seen enough episodes to discover that our “classic” sitcoms seemed to have felt the responsibility of addressing important life lessons in the midst of humorous teenage plans gone awry. 

Right when you expect to see young Arnold and Willis deliver another catch phrase that somehow never got old, be sure to look out for the child molester at the bike shop looking to change the entire meaning of “Whatchu Talkin’ About?”  The Fresh Prince got shot in front of an ATM while trying to protect his cousin Carlton that he seemed to hate in the early episodes.  Steve Urkel got his punch spiked and nearly fell off of a high rise apartment rooftop simply because some bullies wanted to have some fun with alcohol. 

This stuff was taken as serious material when the original scenarios aired back in the day, so what happened to our beloved sitcom characters scaring us straight?  Maybe the writers and producers of these kinds of shows realized how uncomfortable their live studio audiences were.  With expectations for a good belly laugh, they got blindsided by stories of gun violence, inappropriate advances, and underage drinking.  Is this comedy or traumatic preparedness? 

 

2.                  When parents have twins, is it so mandatory for the kids’ names to rhyme that they’ll sometimes sacrifice one of their new children’s dignities?

We all know how it works.  When people have twin boys, they dress them up in identical cheesy blue sailor outfits.  Girls get the pink flowery dress treatment.  We expect them to say the same word in unison at all times while everyone gets a good, hearty, belly laugh in amazement that these two can “read each other’s minds.”  Hey, if Tia and Tamara of the old sitcom “Sister, Sister” can find each other after 14 years of never knowing each other existed, all twins MUST have a special bond. 

In order to put the finishing touches on irrationally making these two humans inseparable, many parents like to make their twins’ names rhyme.  Bill & Phil, Abby & Gabby, and John & Ron.  As if it wasn’t already enough of a hassle for parents to agree on one name for one baby, they have to argue over which rhyming names they will select.  I can always tell the lazy parents that found one good name they liked and simply made up another unheard of name to rhyme with the normal one.  While the new mother exclaims, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to name my son Roderick, after my father” a serious problem is encountered when Rod’s twin brother enters the world just minutes later.  Since mandatory rhyming can’t be violated, with a shrug and a wrinkled forehead, the parents invent Loderick as the natural choice for the poor little chump. 

Once Lod is old enough to realize that his name was simply a creation of convenience to accent his brother’s recognizable and well thought-out name, he should hold a grudge against his unimaginative parents and more popular brother who owns the name people can relate to.  

 

--JJJ

1.                  I realize this is morbid, but in preparation for an unexpected and sudden death, shouldn’t people make sure their house and surroundings are clean so that everyone’s last impression of them won’t be remembered as dirty? 

Fine, I watch too much A&E, too much real life murder drama like The First 48 and Forensic Files, and drug and alcohol disaster documentaries like Intervention.  Still, every time the homicide detectives walk into an apartment to find a person that has been murdered or even passed away of seemingly natural causes, their surroundings are immediately searched and analyzed, THOROUGHLY!  In the house of a person that lives alone, it is obvious that their comfort level is immense, possibly leaving some of the mess of life scattered a bit longer than a person with roommates or family around. 

Maybe it was a stressful and busy week at work, maybe they just had a get together and they hadn’t had sufficient time to pick up everything before their untimely death interrupted the cleaning process.  No one will ever know now that they can’t say to unexpected company, “I’m sorry for the mess, I’m really not this disorganized.”  You even get the opportunity to invite friends over again to a clean and Pine Sol-fragranced abode.

Your mother always told you to wear clean underwear, since you’ll never know if you may end up in the hospital with embarrassing streak marks due to unintended circumstances.  This is just a more extreme and gruesome warning: Sweetheart, just in case you ever catch a burglar in your house and you happen to lose the fight in the struggle for your life, wash your toilet, vacuum your floors, and clean your sheets, REGULARLY!  You don’t want your friends and family to think you were a nasty ass, there’s no coming back from that eternal judgment. 

 

2.                  When people sing love songs, (or hate songs) by the opposite sex, they have to replace the “he” with “she” or vice versa.

I like to relate to some of the songs that I enjoy listening to.  Sure, when slow jams come on and the deep voiced DJ on the radio won’t stop talking between every song using uncomfortable terms like, “Baby Making Music” I get in the mood to (badly) sing.  So when a good song comes on that makes me say, “This is my jam” every now and then it happens to have been made by a woman…singing about a man. 

Yeah, the song sounds great and has some great vocals that I’m singing along with, but once she gets to singing about how “HE draws me in, making ME powerless,” it’s time to modify those inaccurate lyrics on the fly.  So without missing a beat, the lyrics change to “I draw her in, SHE’S powerless.”  Ain’t nobody gonna be thinking I’m singing about some dude making me powerless!!! 

Think this is just a pigheaded man thing?  Naw, I’ve heard women from my sisters to Blu Cantrell changing lyrics to fit their gender and sexual orientation.  When Usher sang, “You remind me of a girl that I once knew,” Blu’s verse had to go the opposite. 

Sometimes even the masters of music and songwriting need a little editing applied to their lyrics when the most accurate words to come out of my mouth are on the line.  Think about it, you’ve done it, too! 

--JJJ

1.                  How do you know when someone has just parked or is leaving a parking spot?  We need a signal!!

Our cars are equipped with many features; lights, bells, and whistles that let other drivers on the road know what we’re planning to do.  Blinkers to make left or right turns and change lanes, hazard lights to show that something is mechanically wrong and that they aren’t purposefully driving 15 mph, and a quick bright flash of the headlights to tell someone to get the hell out of the way. 

So since parking spots are so scarce in Los Angeles along with the street parking signs that are created to confuse drivers into a ticket, seeing someone leaving a parking spot is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.  Upon seeing someone approaching a car right in front of your apartment building with their key fob out, a burst of excitement fills your veins and you are hopeful that your nearly endless search for the evening is soon over.  So with a frantic U-turn that almost hits other parked cars and someone’s dog, you whip around to set up for the advantageous spot.  All those hopes and dreams are dashed when they give you a wave and a shake of their head saying, “I’m not leaving, just getting something out of the car that I forgot.”  After about 2 minutes of needlessly calling them names that your mother would be ashamed to hear you say, the search always continues. 

Why did I have to go through all that trouble running over my neighbor’s dog if that idiot wasn’t leaving?  And now that I’m on the other side of the street, another spot on the other side is opening up and I’m getting swooped on!  Damn!! 

All this frustration would be nullified if there were only a signal, a very strong spotlight, let’s say, that radiates from the roof of a car whose driver is approaching it with intentions of leaving.  When he unlocks those doors with plans of leaving, it’s like the grand opening of a club…you can see the spotlights from miles away, just navigate to the origin. 

2.                  Peacock’s colorful feathers are like a guy showing off his new BMW, they might help get you the girl, but the flashiness will get you in trouble!

The unmistakable characteristic of a peacock’s multicolored tail and feathers is apparently there to draw the attention of the choicest female birds for mating purposes.  Upon having this random and pointless conversation with a friend, I realized that the similarities between the animal world and human world are not as distant as I assume.  Sure, this bright and impressive tail gets the attention of the highly sought after gold digging female peahens that want to be seen with the high roller, but his gift is a curse as it also draws the attention of predators looking to have a poultry dinner. 

Similarly in the human world, every time Mr. Big Shot races his engine and shows off all the expensive TVs and electronics he has stashed in his new car on Sunset Blvd, it’s supposed to attract the attention of women, but needlessly catches the eye of criminals with intentions of taking that car, along with it’s expensive equipment off of Mr. Big Shot’s hands.  I guess you have to take the good with the bad. 

--JJJ

1.                  Why is “The Final Four” deemed the pinnacle of college basketball?

It’s March, so of course the last couple of weeks have caused normally responsible adults to revert back to their days of adolescence and invent new reasons to skip work or leave early enough to watch college basketball’s championship tournament.  When not skipping work, they’re still not working, and instead filling out tournament brackets for pools AT work for some of prearranged payout.  In order for these previously dependable, hard working Americans to guess which teams will emerge from a field of 65 teams, sports programs and countless online sources provide analysis and commentary on the teams and players that employed people couldn’t follow during the regular season due to their….jobs. 

Anyway, with the majestic nature of the tournament, the big slogan from the host network CBS is “The Road to the Final Four.”  What??  Why the final four?  Teams traditionally cut down the nets after winning the game that guaranteed them a spot in the final tournament city where the last four teams meet to play for the championship.  As these grown men and coaches dance and celebrate over being one of the last four teams left playing, I can’t shake the question in my head, “Why aren’t they saving the celebrating for when they WIN the Championship?  Analysts and fans alike keep track of which teams and coaches have made it to The Final Four with such regularity, you’d think that the season is over and the trophy is split 4 ways once this amazing accomplishment is reached.

No other sport celebrates getting close to winning a championship the way college basketball does.  No one can ever remember who the 4th place team was after the NBA postseason plays out.  College football provides a forum for frustration and animosity every year simply because the teams that had a shot at playing for the championship are relegated to secondary and tertiary bowl games.  Maybe the seemingly immortal and hated college football system that snubs a few teams every year should be switched with college basketball’s tournament since the players are so conditioned to be happy with a 2nd-4th place finish.

2.                  Cartoon characters run with their arms in weird and locked positions. 

 

I admit it; I’m a cartoon junkie; in fact, I’m an old school cartoon junkie with some new school sprinkled on top.  I can confidently say that I’ve seen every Tom & Jerry cartoon ever made…multiple times.  Every time I hear that symphony-style music providing background noise for that cat with a serious rodent obsession to chase that psychopathic mouse with an appetite for war that could even scare Dick Cheney, I can’t help but to watch just one 7 minute short. 

Yes, I’m a kid at heart, but that doesn’t keep me from noticing the inefficient way so many classic cartoon characters run.  With arms to their sides or straight out in front of them as if they’re pushing a shopping cart, Hanna Barbera-produced animation probably had it the worst, as their talking cats, dogs, wolves, mice, alligators, and gorillas got involved in chase scenes that seemed to reach high speeds.  As an ex collegiate track athlete, I know a few things about running, and the first rule is that pumping your arms is essential.  Who taught these blue dogs like Huckleberry Hound to run?  No wonder they always lose the senseless battle; it is impossible to run with that form!

--JJJ

1.                  Young Black women think that driving is a race.

Everyone has heard of the stereotypes that come with certain races and genders regarding their driving skills.  The most common victims of our profiling are probably Asian women; they change lanes without looking, thinking they’re in the only car on the road.  Older Latinos tend to drive 55 mph in the fast lane on an open freeway.  Middle aged White women seem to have too many things to do other than press the accelerator when a stop light turns green.  Don’t worry; my beautiful Nubian sisters are high on the list of bad drivers as well.  As a matter of fact, their unmistakable characteristic of driving 65 mph in a 35 mph zone is runs rampant everyday. 

When you see a midsized, 4-door sedan swerving from the far left lane to the far right lane, simply to go around 2 people driving 10 mph over the speed limit, hold on tight to your steering wheel, don’t get macho and accelerate because you have 235 horsepower under the hood, just get the hell out of the way!  And when she hits you with the icy stare that says, “now I know you’re not flooring it,” just keep looking forward, this is one road fight you don’t want anything to do with.  Yes, that Nissan Altima, Chevy Malibu, Honda Accord, or Toyota Camry is being driven by a young Black woman with the heart of Jeff Gordon.  Give her that inside lane so she’ll stop drifting off of you. 

My experiences with three older sisters prove this point.  Yes, all of them are being exposed!  The oldest exceeds the freeway’s 65 mph speed limit on a U-turn onramp daily.  While riding with the 2nd oldest, she tailgated a poor older gentleman for ½ mile while yelling, “Why don’t you drive!”  When I noticed that the man with more life experience was already exceeding the 45 mph speed limit by 10, I had to tell her, “He’s already speeding!”  To that, she yelped, “oh,” snapped out of her uncontrollable NASCARness, and laid off the gas.  Last but not least, the youngest of my older sisters was pulled over for driving 110 mph while half of my family was in the car with her on a road trip to Arizona.  After the officer took her out of the car and explained to her that exceeding triple digits on the speedometer warrants an automatic arrest, she was allowed back into the driver’s seat with a simple ticket instead.  If it were me, I would have been in handcuffs with my mother asking, “Why are you taking my baby away?”  I was left assuming she simply told him, “C’mon, you know what’s up, I’m a 28 year old Black woman, I can’t help it!”

 

2.                  With so many retired numbers growing every year in pro sports, future players will soon have to wear numbers with 3 digits.

It even happens to players that are definite Hall of Famers of their sport, destined to be enshrined with their team’s jersey and number hanging in the rafters where they made history.  Once a number is retired for a sports team to honor the accomplishments of one player, no one else can ever wear the number again so that they won’t accidentally taint the illustrious memories it evokes.  No one can imagine another player for the Chicago Bulls wearing #23 now that Michael Jordan immortalized it.  Future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal even had to change his original #32 to #34 when he joined the Los Angeles Lakers after Magic Johnson made so many memories donning the Lakers #32 jersey. 

So with so many numbers having to be avoided by young athletes making historic plays and careers in their different uniforms, I have to wonder when the numbers will run out.  Maybe when a few thousand years have passed, and numbers 00-99 are all used up, it will be normal to see Michael Jordan XL (40th) dunking while wearing #123. 


--JJJ

1.                  Don’t try to always call a good friend for entertainment value to pass otherwise boring time, they’ll eventually catch on, and might get offended.

As everyone in the country knows, LA traffic sucks.  “What the hell is that old lady thinking?”  “When are you gonna GO??”  “Damn, there’s an entire car length between that guy and the car in front of him, the gas pedal is on the right, fool!”  In order to avoid these uncontrollable outbursts of anger, I’ve discovered that many disgruntled LA drivers that are sick of listening to the same 5 songs on the radio have chosen to call and talk randomly with friends in order to pass the 2 hours it takes them to travel the 25 miles home in rush hour.  There is a reason that LA passed the law that restricts us from yapping on the phone without a hands free earpiece. 

Sure, we may come off as if we’re so important and handling so much business that we have to constantly talk while driving, but in reality, 9 times out of 10, that important looking person sitting on Interstate 405 in his Mercedes is talking to his best friend about the last episode of “24” or how much he hates his idiot bosses at work.  If you’re this “important person” that gets the bright idea to use your friend as absorption for your babble, make sure you try to mask it or else your calls will begin to get ignored. 

I soon found out that I was the court jester that kept a few friends entertained at one point in my life.  If they’d only attempted to hide their intentions a little better, I might have not started giving them the silent treatment. 

If the same person calls you every weekday at the same time of 5:15pm, and every conversation begins with the sound of a car’s seatbelt alarm beeping, you may want to reanalyze their affection.  When the conversation seems increasingly pointless and belabored, with uncalled for interruptions from your friend inexplicably yelling “get off my ass!” when they’re not talking to you, then they’re probably venting at the Range Rover driver that thinks tailgating will move traffic.  Once 2 hours has passed and their interest in your day immediately turns to “Ok, I’ll talk to you later,” you should understand that they’re happily home and the reason your ear is hot from a cell phone being smashed against it is that you’ve just been played.  Put on your clown hat and prepare new material for tomorrow’s drive home. 

 

2.                  The worst thing you can say about another person’s car is that “it gets you from point A to point B.” 

It seems that everyone wants to drive an impressive looking car, especially us men.  We know that it can draw attention and make us look better.  Maybe we can rev the engine, blast the stereo, and speed around a few turns just to get women to look.  Every time reliability enters the conversation, the seemingly complimentary gesture sounds more like an insult telling us how ugly it is. 

Ladies, if a guy is telling you all about his car and how it has multiple features, and has power-controlled this and that, don’t try to add to the attempted bragfest with the overused, “Well, as long at it gets you from Point A to Point B, that’s great!” 

Telling an overly car-conscious guy that his new ride simply gets him from point A to point B is like telling a woman that as long as her new dress covers her butt and her chest, it doesn’t really matter that that hotter girl with the better body is wearing the same one.


--JJJ