JayarJackson

1.                  Forget the “Middle Child” complex.  The oldest and youngest children of families have reason to worry that they were the “accident.”

I’m the youngest of a family of 5 children.  While growing up, there were no typical characteristics that haunted the middle child of the family, so I don’t know how that is such a prominent character of family life.  What does this middle child have to be so weird about?  They have no worry in the world…they can be sure that they were not the possible accident child of the family!  The two children that get the most secure characteristics as the “oldest” and the “youngest” actually have the most to question as they get older and see the world differently. 

The oldest child can wonder, “Was I conceived in the back seat of a 1975 Cutlass?  Was I the reason Mom and Dad got married…so that he would make a respectable lady out of her?”  Did Grandpa tell him, “You got her pregnant, now you’re going to marry my Little Girl!” 

On the other hand, the youngest can seriously consider that their parents were happy with the number of kids they had, but had one more irresponsible night while on vacation and the other kids were finally old enough to stay in other rooms.  Maybe they can wonder, “Was I a vacation baby?  Did the brochures filled with crystal waters and exquisite views spark a flame that my parents hadn’t felt in a while?  Oh, so THAT’S why Dad told me never to use Lifestyles…those things don’t work when you need them to!” 

You middle children have it easy, there’s the safety and security of older and younger siblings surrounding you like airbags and bumpers on a family minivan. 

 

2.                  When did the cars on "The Price Is Right" stop being the best prize??

Starting at age 5 when driving was such a distant reality, watching the Price Is Right still had you hoping for Rod Roddy to scream “A NEW CAR!!” as the double doors slid open, imagining that you could play the game right and win a car of your own.  As I sit as a grown ass man watching Drew Carey and some sane-looking announcer giving away cash and prizes, I realized that the irrational thought of winning something on The Price Is Right has transitioned from those ugly, base-model cars to vacations and living room sets.  I don’t even hope for the showcase to include TWO cars the way it did about once/year.  What the hell am I going to do with two cars?  “Pass that showcase and hope for the spa, HDTV, full kitchen, and vacation to the Netherlands!”

So as I sit on my used, worn couch that my ex-girlfriend’s punk ass cats scratched holes into, those packages of couches, loveseats, and televisions become much more valuable.  I wish Drew Carey would let me win that; I’m not going to spend all that money on a new living room set…I just bought this expensive car!!  Who needs a green base model Ford Mustang with cloth seats, slower engine, and no rear spoiler, I didn’t pick that out!

 

--JJJ

1.                  Cell phone use is highly contagious.

While hanging out with a few friends over drinks and some dinner, one got a random text message on his phone.  As the seemingly rude response of him taking part in a possibly endless texting conversation ensued, I inexplicably felt the uncontrollable urge to pick up my phone that hadn’t given me a signal of a call or text.  I consciously fought the impulse for several minutes while ignoring the human contact of our other friend right in front of me, but eventually dove into reading old text messages and missed calls as if I wasn’t already aware of them. 

With two assholes sitting in silence and typing away on miniature computers in his face, our 3rd friend must have felt left out and alone, as he scooped up his Blackberry and randomly scrolled through communications he had also previously viewed.  In a matter of 5 minutes, the raucous conversation of the Lakers game and memories from the past disappeared and transitioned to the sound of baby clicks on our keyboards.  There we sat, 3 slaves to our phones and old text messages. 

Why do we need it??  Why does everyone seem to understand the necessity of being plugged in?  Even when someone steps a few feet away from the pull of their cell phone, everyone left feels responsible for notifying the newly released prisoner of his incoming call or text.  If there are 4 phones sitting on one table and one vibrates, someone will immediately yell, “HEY, YOUR PHONE!!!  YOU HAVE A TEXT…OR SOMETHING!”

Don’t judge, simply test it.  The next time you’re with a friend or two, pick up your cell phone and scroll away with incredible intent…I guarantee SOMEONE will feel the need to check in on their text messaging life that hasn’t progressed in the 10 minutes since they last took a hit from the technology crack pipe. 

 

2.                  Why do habitually late people set their clocks 5-10 minutes fast?

The next time you’re at a friend or family member’s house that is always late to everything, check the time on your own watch or cell phone before you take off to another timely meeting.  These people that are late to everything have been convinced that if they set their clocks 10 minutes ahead, that they will be tricked into leaving their house on time while thinking they are just lagging as usual. 

This flawed theory does not work.  The reason sluggish people don’t make dinner reservations, work appointments, or movie showings on time is because their brain tells them that a meeting at 6pm means leave at 6pm and there’s nothing anyone can tell them that will get them to do any differently.  If they knowingly set their clocks 10 minutes early, their irresponsible mind will only say, “you can leave at 6:10… remember, those clocks are 10 minutes fast.” 

Have you ever known a routinely late person that suddenly arrives on time to everything after discovering this new scheme of setting his/her clocks fast?  Hell no, they’re still always late to everything; so stop making people like me 20 minutes early when I trust your fraudulent timepiece. 

 

--JJJ

1.                  Chicken wings and bbq ribs are some of the most popular foods that so many people eat.  It just doesn’t make sense.

I can’t order a greasy, fat-filled pizza from Pizza Hut or Dominoes without the pizza faced kid on the other end of the phone asking me if I want hot wings with my meal.  I grew up attending family bbqs (you know the ones with the drunk uncle that is either in love with everyone or mad at everyone) that absolutely had to have some ribs on the grill.  I don’t know if this crosses other cultures, but we Americans are in love with the uselessness of eating chicken wings and ribs.  The epitome of both of these delicacies is based in a lack of meat, but we’ll never realize it. 

If you think about it, every wing you’ve ever seen on a bird is simply skin and bones.  If it weren’t, how could these fowl ever catch enough air to get off of the ground and fly for miles?  Any significant amount of sustenance would weigh the bird down and make their advantage of flight a non-issue. 

If you allow yourself to think a little further, you’ll realize that every time someone criticizes the modeling industry that advocates having extremely skinny women to sell clothes, the amount of ribs we can see on their bodies is an indication that there isn’t much meat on the poor girl’s frame.  The saying is “Get her a cheeseburger,” not a rack of ribs.

I decided a long time ago while sucking on chicken’s bony wings and gnawing on a cow’s ribs that someone must be playing a joke on me.  Some old school farmer from way back in the day was trying to find a way to dump off the useless parts of animals that no one saw a reason to eat, so he found a way to lather scrawny wings and ribs in tasty sauces for the next several generations of suckers to eat…genius!

 

2.                  You know a hotel/motel is not worth staying at if the sign boasts, “Color TV!!”

We live in a country full of travelers; we love to be tourists in a new city and experience new things.  While out of town, a good, comfortable place to stay that hasn’t been exposed by Dateline NBC’s blacklight investigations is absolutely a must.  With so much competition, hotel owners have been trying to attract tourists’ money for decades by advertising their amenities that other establishments may not have. 

In the case of the “hard to find” color televisions in America, one hotel I recently passed while on my way to work…(yes, in 2009) bragged of their COLOR TVs in every unit!!!  If this obsolete luxury of seeing a rainbow of colors rather than black, white, and grays was being offered to me, I guess the lucky residents also enjoy the RUNNING WATER, ELECTRICITY, and TELEPHONES!  Sometimes less advertising is best. 

 

--JJJ

1.                  Old School Sitcoms seemed to have a mandatory “serious” episode every once in a while.

Being an insomniac gives me the unique opportunity to fade off to sleep in the company of Nick at Nite or TV Land, and wake up in time to experience the shift in programming to Spongebob Squarepants.  Nickelodeon must be the happiest channel on TV…wall to wall comedy for adults to adolescents.  So with my remote secured tightly to my chest nearly every night like the digital teddy bear it is, I’ve seen enough episodes to discover that our “classic” sitcoms seemed to have felt the responsibility of addressing important life lessons in the midst of humorous teenage plans gone awry. 

Right when you expect to see young Arnold and Willis deliver another catch phrase that somehow never got old, be sure to look out for the child molester at the bike shop looking to change the entire meaning of “Whatchu Talkin’ About?”  The Fresh Prince got shot in front of an ATM while trying to protect his cousin Carlton that he seemed to hate in the early episodes.  Steve Urkel got his punch spiked and nearly fell off of a high rise apartment rooftop simply because some bullies wanted to have some fun with alcohol. 

This stuff was taken as serious material when the original scenarios aired back in the day, so what happened to our beloved sitcom characters scaring us straight?  Maybe the writers and producers of these kinds of shows realized how uncomfortable their live studio audiences were.  With expectations for a good belly laugh, they got blindsided by stories of gun violence, inappropriate advances, and underage drinking.  Is this comedy or traumatic preparedness? 

 

2.                  When parents have twins, is it so mandatory for the kids’ names to rhyme that they’ll sometimes sacrifice one of their new children’s dignities?

We all know how it works.  When people have twin boys, they dress them up in identical cheesy blue sailor outfits.  Girls get the pink flowery dress treatment.  We expect them to say the same word in unison at all times while everyone gets a good, hearty, belly laugh in amazement that these two can “read each other’s minds.”  Hey, if Tia and Tamara of the old sitcom “Sister, Sister” can find each other after 14 years of never knowing each other existed, all twins MUST have a special bond. 

In order to put the finishing touches on irrationally making these two humans inseparable, many parents like to make their twins’ names rhyme.  Bill & Phil, Abby & Gabby, and John & Ron.  As if it wasn’t already enough of a hassle for parents to agree on one name for one baby, they have to argue over which rhyming names they will select.  I can always tell the lazy parents that found one good name they liked and simply made up another unheard of name to rhyme with the normal one.  While the new mother exclaims, “Oh, I’ve always wanted to name my son Roderick, after my father” a serious problem is encountered when Rod’s twin brother enters the world just minutes later.  Since mandatory rhyming can’t be violated, with a shrug and a wrinkled forehead, the parents invent Loderick as the natural choice for the poor little chump. 

Once Lod is old enough to realize that his name was simply a creation of convenience to accent his brother’s recognizable and well thought-out name, he should hold a grudge against his unimaginative parents and more popular brother who owns the name people can relate to.  

 

--JJJ