JayarJackson

1.                  I realize this is morbid, but in preparation for an unexpected and sudden death, shouldn’t people make sure their house and surroundings are clean so that everyone’s last impression of them won’t be remembered as dirty? 

Fine, I watch too much A&E, too much real life murder drama like The First 48 and Forensic Files, and drug and alcohol disaster documentaries like Intervention.  Still, every time the homicide detectives walk into an apartment to find a person that has been murdered or even passed away of seemingly natural causes, their surroundings are immediately searched and analyzed, THOROUGHLY!  In the house of a person that lives alone, it is obvious that their comfort level is immense, possibly leaving some of the mess of life scattered a bit longer than a person with roommates or family around. 

Maybe it was a stressful and busy week at work, maybe they just had a get together and they hadn’t had sufficient time to pick up everything before their untimely death interrupted the cleaning process.  No one will ever know now that they can’t say to unexpected company, “I’m sorry for the mess, I’m really not this disorganized.”  You even get the opportunity to invite friends over again to a clean and Pine Sol-fragranced abode.

Your mother always told you to wear clean underwear, since you’ll never know if you may end up in the hospital with embarrassing streak marks due to unintended circumstances.  This is just a more extreme and gruesome warning: Sweetheart, just in case you ever catch a burglar in your house and you happen to lose the fight in the struggle for your life, wash your toilet, vacuum your floors, and clean your sheets, REGULARLY!  You don’t want your friends and family to think you were a nasty ass, there’s no coming back from that eternal judgment. 

 

2.                  When people sing love songs, (or hate songs) by the opposite sex, they have to replace the “he” with “she” or vice versa.

I like to relate to some of the songs that I enjoy listening to.  Sure, when slow jams come on and the deep voiced DJ on the radio won’t stop talking between every song using uncomfortable terms like, “Baby Making Music” I get in the mood to (badly) sing.  So when a good song comes on that makes me say, “This is my jam” every now and then it happens to have been made by a woman…singing about a man. 

Yeah, the song sounds great and has some great vocals that I’m singing along with, but once she gets to singing about how “HE draws me in, making ME powerless,” it’s time to modify those inaccurate lyrics on the fly.  So without missing a beat, the lyrics change to “I draw her in, SHE’S powerless.”  Ain’t nobody gonna be thinking I’m singing about some dude making me powerless!!! 

Think this is just a pigheaded man thing?  Naw, I’ve heard women from my sisters to Blu Cantrell changing lyrics to fit their gender and sexual orientation.  When Usher sang, “You remind me of a girl that I once knew,” Blu’s verse had to go the opposite. 

Sometimes even the masters of music and songwriting need a little editing applied to their lyrics when the most accurate words to come out of my mouth are on the line.  Think about it, you’ve done it, too! 

--JJJ

1.                  How do you know when someone has just parked or is leaving a parking spot?  We need a signal!!

Our cars are equipped with many features; lights, bells, and whistles that let other drivers on the road know what we’re planning to do.  Blinkers to make left or right turns and change lanes, hazard lights to show that something is mechanically wrong and that they aren’t purposefully driving 15 mph, and a quick bright flash of the headlights to tell someone to get the hell out of the way. 

So since parking spots are so scarce in Los Angeles along with the street parking signs that are created to confuse drivers into a ticket, seeing someone leaving a parking spot is like finding a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.  Upon seeing someone approaching a car right in front of your apartment building with their key fob out, a burst of excitement fills your veins and you are hopeful that your nearly endless search for the evening is soon over.  So with a frantic U-turn that almost hits other parked cars and someone’s dog, you whip around to set up for the advantageous spot.  All those hopes and dreams are dashed when they give you a wave and a shake of their head saying, “I’m not leaving, just getting something out of the car that I forgot.”  After about 2 minutes of needlessly calling them names that your mother would be ashamed to hear you say, the search always continues. 

Why did I have to go through all that trouble running over my neighbor’s dog if that idiot wasn’t leaving?  And now that I’m on the other side of the street, another spot on the other side is opening up and I’m getting swooped on!  Damn!! 

All this frustration would be nullified if there were only a signal, a very strong spotlight, let’s say, that radiates from the roof of a car whose driver is approaching it with intentions of leaving.  When he unlocks those doors with plans of leaving, it’s like the grand opening of a club…you can see the spotlights from miles away, just navigate to the origin. 

2.                  Peacock’s colorful feathers are like a guy showing off his new BMW, they might help get you the girl, but the flashiness will get you in trouble!

The unmistakable characteristic of a peacock’s multicolored tail and feathers is apparently there to draw the attention of the choicest female birds for mating purposes.  Upon having this random and pointless conversation with a friend, I realized that the similarities between the animal world and human world are not as distant as I assume.  Sure, this bright and impressive tail gets the attention of the highly sought after gold digging female peahens that want to be seen with the high roller, but his gift is a curse as it also draws the attention of predators looking to have a poultry dinner. 

Similarly in the human world, every time Mr. Big Shot races his engine and shows off all the expensive TVs and electronics he has stashed in his new car on Sunset Blvd, it’s supposed to attract the attention of women, but needlessly catches the eye of criminals with intentions of taking that car, along with it’s expensive equipment off of Mr. Big Shot’s hands.  I guess you have to take the good with the bad. 

--JJJ

1.                  Why is “The Final Four” deemed the pinnacle of college basketball?

It’s March, so of course the last couple of weeks have caused normally responsible adults to revert back to their days of adolescence and invent new reasons to skip work or leave early enough to watch college basketball’s championship tournament.  When not skipping work, they’re still not working, and instead filling out tournament brackets for pools AT work for some of prearranged payout.  In order for these previously dependable, hard working Americans to guess which teams will emerge from a field of 65 teams, sports programs and countless online sources provide analysis and commentary on the teams and players that employed people couldn’t follow during the regular season due to their….jobs. 

Anyway, with the majestic nature of the tournament, the big slogan from the host network CBS is “The Road to the Final Four.”  What??  Why the final four?  Teams traditionally cut down the nets after winning the game that guaranteed them a spot in the final tournament city where the last four teams meet to play for the championship.  As these grown men and coaches dance and celebrate over being one of the last four teams left playing, I can’t shake the question in my head, “Why aren’t they saving the celebrating for when they WIN the Championship?  Analysts and fans alike keep track of which teams and coaches have made it to The Final Four with such regularity, you’d think that the season is over and the trophy is split 4 ways once this amazing accomplishment is reached.

No other sport celebrates getting close to winning a championship the way college basketball does.  No one can ever remember who the 4th place team was after the NBA postseason plays out.  College football provides a forum for frustration and animosity every year simply because the teams that had a shot at playing for the championship are relegated to secondary and tertiary bowl games.  Maybe the seemingly immortal and hated college football system that snubs a few teams every year should be switched with college basketball’s tournament since the players are so conditioned to be happy with a 2nd-4th place finish.

2.                  Cartoon characters run with their arms in weird and locked positions. 

 

I admit it; I’m a cartoon junkie; in fact, I’m an old school cartoon junkie with some new school sprinkled on top.  I can confidently say that I’ve seen every Tom & Jerry cartoon ever made…multiple times.  Every time I hear that symphony-style music providing background noise for that cat with a serious rodent obsession to chase that psychopathic mouse with an appetite for war that could even scare Dick Cheney, I can’t help but to watch just one 7 minute short. 

Yes, I’m a kid at heart, but that doesn’t keep me from noticing the inefficient way so many classic cartoon characters run.  With arms to their sides or straight out in front of them as if they’re pushing a shopping cart, Hanna Barbera-produced animation probably had it the worst, as their talking cats, dogs, wolves, mice, alligators, and gorillas got involved in chase scenes that seemed to reach high speeds.  As an ex collegiate track athlete, I know a few things about running, and the first rule is that pumping your arms is essential.  Who taught these blue dogs like Huckleberry Hound to run?  No wonder they always lose the senseless battle; it is impossible to run with that form!

--JJJ

1.                  Young Black women think that driving is a race.

Everyone has heard of the stereotypes that come with certain races and genders regarding their driving skills.  The most common victims of our profiling are probably Asian women; they change lanes without looking, thinking they’re in the only car on the road.  Older Latinos tend to drive 55 mph in the fast lane on an open freeway.  Middle aged White women seem to have too many things to do other than press the accelerator when a stop light turns green.  Don’t worry; my beautiful Nubian sisters are high on the list of bad drivers as well.  As a matter of fact, their unmistakable characteristic of driving 65 mph in a 35 mph zone is runs rampant everyday. 

When you see a midsized, 4-door sedan swerving from the far left lane to the far right lane, simply to go around 2 people driving 10 mph over the speed limit, hold on tight to your steering wheel, don’t get macho and accelerate because you have 235 horsepower under the hood, just get the hell out of the way!  And when she hits you with the icy stare that says, “now I know you’re not flooring it,” just keep looking forward, this is one road fight you don’t want anything to do with.  Yes, that Nissan Altima, Chevy Malibu, Honda Accord, or Toyota Camry is being driven by a young Black woman with the heart of Jeff Gordon.  Give her that inside lane so she’ll stop drifting off of you. 

My experiences with three older sisters prove this point.  Yes, all of them are being exposed!  The oldest exceeds the freeway’s 65 mph speed limit on a U-turn onramp daily.  While riding with the 2nd oldest, she tailgated a poor older gentleman for ½ mile while yelling, “Why don’t you drive!”  When I noticed that the man with more life experience was already exceeding the 45 mph speed limit by 10, I had to tell her, “He’s already speeding!”  To that, she yelped, “oh,” snapped out of her uncontrollable NASCARness, and laid off the gas.  Last but not least, the youngest of my older sisters was pulled over for driving 110 mph while half of my family was in the car with her on a road trip to Arizona.  After the officer took her out of the car and explained to her that exceeding triple digits on the speedometer warrants an automatic arrest, she was allowed back into the driver’s seat with a simple ticket instead.  If it were me, I would have been in handcuffs with my mother asking, “Why are you taking my baby away?”  I was left assuming she simply told him, “C’mon, you know what’s up, I’m a 28 year old Black woman, I can’t help it!”

 

2.                  With so many retired numbers growing every year in pro sports, future players will soon have to wear numbers with 3 digits.

It even happens to players that are definite Hall of Famers of their sport, destined to be enshrined with their team’s jersey and number hanging in the rafters where they made history.  Once a number is retired for a sports team to honor the accomplishments of one player, no one else can ever wear the number again so that they won’t accidentally taint the illustrious memories it evokes.  No one can imagine another player for the Chicago Bulls wearing #23 now that Michael Jordan immortalized it.  Future Hall of Famer Shaquille O’Neal even had to change his original #32 to #34 when he joined the Los Angeles Lakers after Magic Johnson made so many memories donning the Lakers #32 jersey. 

So with so many numbers having to be avoided by young athletes making historic plays and careers in their different uniforms, I have to wonder when the numbers will run out.  Maybe when a few thousand years have passed, and numbers 00-99 are all used up, it will be normal to see Michael Jordan XL (40th) dunking while wearing #123. 


--JJJ

1.                  Don’t try to always call a good friend for entertainment value to pass otherwise boring time, they’ll eventually catch on, and might get offended.

As everyone in the country knows, LA traffic sucks.  “What the hell is that old lady thinking?”  “When are you gonna GO??”  “Damn, there’s an entire car length between that guy and the car in front of him, the gas pedal is on the right, fool!”  In order to avoid these uncontrollable outbursts of anger, I’ve discovered that many disgruntled LA drivers that are sick of listening to the same 5 songs on the radio have chosen to call and talk randomly with friends in order to pass the 2 hours it takes them to travel the 25 miles home in rush hour.  There is a reason that LA passed the law that restricts us from yapping on the phone without a hands free earpiece. 

Sure, we may come off as if we’re so important and handling so much business that we have to constantly talk while driving, but in reality, 9 times out of 10, that important looking person sitting on Interstate 405 in his Mercedes is talking to his best friend about the last episode of “24” or how much he hates his idiot bosses at work.  If you’re this “important person” that gets the bright idea to use your friend as absorption for your babble, make sure you try to mask it or else your calls will begin to get ignored. 

I soon found out that I was the court jester that kept a few friends entertained at one point in my life.  If they’d only attempted to hide their intentions a little better, I might have not started giving them the silent treatment. 

If the same person calls you every weekday at the same time of 5:15pm, and every conversation begins with the sound of a car’s seatbelt alarm beeping, you may want to reanalyze their affection.  When the conversation seems increasingly pointless and belabored, with uncalled for interruptions from your friend inexplicably yelling “get off my ass!” when they’re not talking to you, then they’re probably venting at the Range Rover driver that thinks tailgating will move traffic.  Once 2 hours has passed and their interest in your day immediately turns to “Ok, I’ll talk to you later,” you should understand that they’re happily home and the reason your ear is hot from a cell phone being smashed against it is that you’ve just been played.  Put on your clown hat and prepare new material for tomorrow’s drive home. 

 

2.                  The worst thing you can say about another person’s car is that “it gets you from point A to point B.” 

It seems that everyone wants to drive an impressive looking car, especially us men.  We know that it can draw attention and make us look better.  Maybe we can rev the engine, blast the stereo, and speed around a few turns just to get women to look.  Every time reliability enters the conversation, the seemingly complimentary gesture sounds more like an insult telling us how ugly it is. 

Ladies, if a guy is telling you all about his car and how it has multiple features, and has power-controlled this and that, don’t try to add to the attempted bragfest with the overused, “Well, as long at it gets you from Point A to Point B, that’s great!” 

Telling an overly car-conscious guy that his new ride simply gets him from point A to point B is like telling a woman that as long as her new dress covers her butt and her chest, it doesn’t really matter that that hotter girl with the better body is wearing the same one.


--JJJ

1.                  Guys are so irrationally freaky when it comes to their fantasies; we don’t realize that some of what we dream about making a reality is simply INCEST!

 Girls Gone Wild, a couple of female college roommates making out for the first time, Katy Perry’s song, “I Kissed a Girl.”  We fellas have an obsession with women hooking up for reasons beyond my understanding.  Although few like to admit it, most of us are illogically drawn to these displays of exhibitionism simply because we think that eventually, the girls will soon invite us in on the action.  Now, if these women are actually the lesbians that men drool over and are actually into each other, why would they want to invite a guy in on their intimacy?  When we’re hooking up with a girl we’re interested in, do our minds begin to think, “Hmm, this would be much better if another guy was nibbling on my ear.”  Despite the rare cases that this fantasy becomes a reality, we double our bet and think, “Wouldn’t it be even hotter if I hooked up with twins?” 

To that increasingly idiotic thought I realized that if this were to come true, we’d be witnessing and contributing to incest, or in this case, “twincest!”    

Why is it so hot to imagine jumping in the middle of a couple of Asian twins, but so nasty to think about a brother and sister hooking up?  Because the majority of my fellow man are helpless imbeciles, that’s why.  So before you try to talk a cute set of Swedish twins into illicit behavior, imagine kissing your twin brother. 

 

2.                  Looking for a roommate feels like an even more uncomfortable personal ad, trying to attract someone through cyber space. 

Living in the expensive city of Los Angeles almost always requires having a roommate unless you’ve hit the ground running with enough money to foot the bill yourself or you’re highly successful at an early age.  With so much relocating throughout the city amongst us young folks, roommates come and go with great regularity.  Now that my last roommate is moving out, I’ve found myself searching for a new roommate the random way.  While there are plenty of search tools like roommates.com and craigslist.org, the information we put out there about ourselves is probably very similar to something people put on match.com. 

As I wrote about my situation and what kind of place I’m offering to share, I couldn’t help but to try to sell myself as a great person, an excellent roommate that is positive, fun-loving, and sociable.  With the competition writing witty phrases about how they should be chosen, I felt obligated to convince all those strangers that I’m the best pick out of the thousands they might come across.  Pictures seem to help but so many questions arise: “Should I even include a picture?  And if I do, why am I including a picture?  What are they looking for when they see me?  Why am I even checking out what my potential new roommate looks like?  Wait, why is HE including a picture of himself?  As I stare at this dude online at work, do my co-workers think I’m perusing men online?  When I look at a picture of a potential female roommate, what am I looking for?  Cute, but not my style?  Maybe ugly so that if she drops her towel as I’m heading to the bathroom, there won’t be any awkwardness. 

Oh forget it, I’ll just pay the whole rent and not eat, I hear having the liberty of walking around in the nude is exhilarating! 



--JJJ